Thursday, July 15, 2010

Clearly, My House Is In Crisis.

Russell has this thing about socks.

And, yes, it goes beyond the funny little quirks you or I may have about socks.  Waaaay beyond.

-For starters, I am not "allowed" to match his socks when the whites come out of the dryer.  Six months or so into our marriage, I was relieved of that laundry duty.  Apparently, I don't do it right.  Right defined as: actually I don't know exactly how right is defined.  I do know it's beyond making sure there's a right and left sock in each pair.  No, Russell's definition has something to do with ridges, and seams, and weave, and making sure each pair will reside in the drawer in the harmonious melting of soulmates. 

Even after many 'a tutorial, I still don't get it.  Or perhaps I just don't have the patience to try to get it.  Either way, when the whites get folded, Russ's socks don't.  They get dumped on his side of the bed.

There's more...

-Russ's socks cannot return to his feet after they have been removed.  This doesn't mean that he won't dig them out of the hamper to re-wear his used socks the next day.  No, normal people have that sock rule.  This means if he puts on a pair of socks and for some reason has to immediately remove them, they cannot be put back on.  CANNOT!  I asked him one time what would happen if there weren't any more socks and he had to put that particular pair back on...what would happen?  He looked at me like I'd asked him what would happen if he had to give a lecture to the Department of Energy naked. 

When he was able to shake off that unimaginable horror and speak, he informed me, "That would never happen."  I guess that explains why he always packs 15 pairs of socks for a five day business trip.  He may be underwearless for a day or two, but by golly, he won't be re-wearing socks!

-Socks have to be a certain height to be worn with slacks.  Not a certain color.  Not a certain pattern. It's perfectly fine to wear blue socks with black pants or argyle socks with striped pants.  They just have to be tall enough "not to let air in" on his legs.  Needless to say, I'm not really allowed to buy his dress socks either because, well, I have no idea what height tall-enough-not-to-let-air-in is.  One time when I discussed this little detail with him he told me, "Well, if you don't know, I can't explain it to you."

I'm sure he's right about that!

There are other sock rules that Russ abides by.  Oddities that used to catch my attention that now, sixteen- married-years later, go by virtually unnoticed.  However, despite those sixteen years of marriage (and the fact that I know him inside and out), he would "prefer" I not purchase socks for him.  And so I don't.  I just let him take care of that little shopping task.

Or at least I used to...

Yesterday when he returned home from work, he had a bag in hand.  I asked him what he had purchased and he said "socks".  All was well until he walked out of the bathroom looking like this:


I thought he was making a joke.  So I laughed.

He said, "What?"  I said, "Are you kidding?"  He said, "About what?"  (And he was serious, y'all.  I could tell from the look on his face, he had no clue what I was talking about.)  I pointed down to his feet.  I told him I didn't think this was an acceptable look for anyone under the age of ninety-five.  Maybe when he was a little old man with a cute white mustache and a cane, maybe this look would fly.

Maybe. 

Probably not.

That's when he told me (direct quote), "Kristy, this is what's in."

Granted, I've been sick for awhile now and keeping up with current fashion trends hasn't been high on my list of priorities.  But, "in"...?  Midgey black socks that, bless their hearts, kind of remind me of the rolled-down way we used to wear them in the 80's worn with brown Merrell shoes and shorts are IN?

He elaborated.  "This is how I wore them in England."

Oh.  Wow.

I looked in his bag.  He had purchased twelve pairs of black Old Man socks.  To be worn with shorts.  Exclusively.  (Because they couldn't possibly be worn with slacks.  The chance of air getting in would be too great.)  I asked him if I could take a quick Facebook poll to find out what others thought of his sock choice.  He encouraged me to.

Interestingly enough, it wasn't the sixty (that's six zero) exclamation-filled, horrified NOOOOOOO!!!! responses or the lone "My son has cute legs!" yes-vote from his mom that convinced him of his fashion faux pas.

Nope.

It was the very elderly man that we spotted in our neighborhood on our drive to Sonic that evening.  Mowing his yard.  In his shorts, brown shoes, and, yep, wait for it...

BLACK SOCKS!

I about spewed Cherry Limeade all over the windshield.

When we got home, Russ changed his socks.

23 comments:

Russ said...

I think Lee is right. The socks that he loaned me in England were different. I am just glad that he had them. I almost had to buy English socks. Who knows what kind of workmanship that they put into their socks? Also, what is the English "Wal-Mart"? Sainbury's?

Josh and Margo said...

Oh my gosh, Russ is crazy. Really, he should see a therapist about this sock thing. I can't believe he bought black socks to wear with shorts. That is one of the funniest things I have heard in a while. One more thing to give him a hard time about.

Anonymous said...

Love it! My hubs still wants to wear tube socks with everything...jeans, slacks, shorts, flipflops...etc. :)

~Cheryl

Anonymous said...

Kristy - man this made me laugh. Btw, Walmart owns ASDA.

Greg

Anonymous said...

Just hilarious!!!!

-Joyce T.

DePriest Family said...

I also have a sock "problem," but it is different than Russ's as I have no bones about wearing crusty socks from 2-days ago as long as they are right/left matching. From about age 12 to 27, I numbered my socks. First, it was a simple, 1, 2, 3, etc. Once I got to double digits, I went with letters. Each new 6- or 12-pack would change my theme. Being a math guy, I would throw in the pi symbol and infinity to go along with the -,+,x (differeent than"X"), and divided by signs. Random symbols like a cross (different than "T"), ichthus, ampersand, @, and # would also make their appearance on occasion (Remember, we've got about 15 years of sock-wearing going on here). The answer to everyone's question (Why?) is three-fold.
1. Dirtier socks go with dirtier socks.
2. Old socks go with old socks.
3. Right-footed socks go with left-footed socks.

The reason I quit was also three-fold.
1. My wife was uncooperative in the sock process.
2. Our football field is now turf, so I rarely have dirt-dirty socks.
3. Nike makes a pair of socks with an "R" and "L" sewn in them which eliminates 1/3 of my problem.

And I'll add #4...who has time to number their socks anyways???

I could go into more detail in all of this, but I'm sure I'm well over my character limit (as well as people care limit) already.

And not that I have room to talk about fashion, Russ, but I agree with the no black socks with brown shoes with shorts thing.

- Adam

Anonymous said...

Gee, I didn't know socks had right and left. No wonder I walk funny.
Faf

Not quite the Bradys said...

:D Thanks for the smile.

Jamie said...

Russ,

That's just wrong. SOOOO, SOOOO wrong!

-j

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs!!

~Kelly

Kritter Krit said...

Adam,

The three/four-fold reason why you quit made me shoot a tic-tac out my nose.

Thanks for that.

~K

Anonymous said...

Oh, my! I couldn't tell a right from left sock if my life depended on it. What kind of brain thinks like this.... obviously, not my kind. Love, Mooms

Anonymous said...

‎..but Asda is no way near as good as Wal-Mart! We do have fine socks here - you can't beat Marks and Spencers - ask any Englishman and he'll tell you that!

Sally

Anonymous said...

You are so funny! I love your approach to life and esp. storytelling :)

Connie

Janie B said...

Very funny post! You are a good storyteller. I'm a new follower (also from Fayetteville). Love your writing.

Anonymous said...

QAdam and Russ you two boys . and your socks I am glad I learned something today ,and I know u did not get the sock thing from me or your Mother . you had to learn that in college love all u Dad

MOM said...

As Kristy will be glad to confirm, your Dad obviously doesn't know much about me or what traits (quirks?)I may have passed on to you boys!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok I am Lee, Adam and Russ's brother. I also have a sock "problem". I can get out of the shower and put a clean pair of socks on my feet and in 5 minutes take them off, but I won't DARE put them back on. They go straight to the dirty clothes hamper. When I went to England with Russ a few weeks ago I had a crisis. I was not sure if I had enough socks packed, I wasn't worried about having enough shirts, shorts, pants, or underwear. I was just scared of having to wear DIRTY socks =/ Ever since I can remember I have had that problem. So yes we have a weird sock thing running around in our family. But on another note I wear black socks.
1. They don't show dirt
2. My shoes are black I like to match
However I am a really tan person so black socks aren't as noticeable as they are on Russ with his snowy white legs. And the socks he borrowed were no shows not low cuts like he went out and bought.
Lee

Kritter Krit said...

Russ, Adam, and Lee,

I agree with Josh. It's time for therapy.

Anonymous said...

Very funny. I'm with Russell - black short socks and Merrels are cool.

Brad J.

Anonymous said...

That's hot... I see that look all of the time in germany. Go russ!

Walt

aimee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I love it! That look really doesn't fly on fair skinned people either. As a person who wears the lightest foundation color Clinique wears (Stay Ivory in case anyone is wondering...I guess Stay Pasty White just wouldn't have been good marketing), I say that with all the kindness in the world.

At least he doesn't wear wife beaters while mowing the lawn like my husband. According to him this is acceptable in AZ.

I doubt it.

Angela L. said...

Hello ,
My name is Angela. I live in Cincinnati Ohio. This will sound strange but....I accidentally came across your blog looking for a singing group called the "Cactus Cuties." I have been sitting here for over an hour reading your blogs and I absolutely LOVE them. I just wanted to share with you how much I enjoyed reading about your life experiences. You made me laugh(a lot) and cry(a little),too! Thank you for making my heart smile! Best wishes to you and your family!

Sincerely,
Angela Lawson

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