I had a little chat with myself, and here's what I decided: When I have a particularly poopified day - one where I think things are fairly solidly headed one direction, and then WHAM-O, find out they're likely headed in another, I will refrain from writing about it here.
Not because I thought my last post was necessarily cruel or incorrect (the facts were factual). But, in re-reading it, I think perhaps it could've been a tad less sensitive than I would like to be. A lot less sensitive, actually. If we get down to the nitty-gritty, I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I know where the cynicism comes from. A place pretty deep and scarred, that often feels scabbed over, but sometimes surprises me with the raw emotion that comes from it.
Still. Even knowing it, doesn't make it okay.
The truth about adoption is this - neither side is easy.
One side involves having to make probably THE HARDEST decision of your life. A decision that involves a lot of selflessness, and maturity (often beyond your years), and heartbreak. A decision that involves giving someone a gift - one that more often than not, you wish you could keep.
The other side involves a lot of hoping, and praying, and waiting for your heart's desire. A lot of uncertainty. A lot of trying to remain detached...but, really, kind of stinking at it. A lot of knowing that someone may give you the most amazing of all possible gifts, only to decide later, after your heart has grabbed hold, that they cannot bear to part with that gift.
It's hard. It's reeeeeeally hard, in fact.
That said, when it happens - in God's perfect timing, adoption is an incredible thing. An amazing, life-changing, beautiful thing. A thing worth hoping for...worth waiting for...worth taking a chance on.
My job in this little journey is to pray and trust. And witness to a birthmother about God's love. Regardless of how bumpy the ride or how frustrating the process, that's what my response is to be. ... And I promise to try to be better at that.