Saturday, June 20, 2009

My New Rule For Myself...

I had a little chat with myself, and here's what I decided: When I have a particularly poopified day - one where I think things are fairly solidly headed one direction, and then WHAM-O, find out they're likely headed in another, I will refrain from writing about it here.

Not because I thought my last post was necessarily cruel or incorrect (the facts were factual). But, in re-reading it, I think perhaps it could've been a tad less sensitive than I would like to be. A lot less sensitive, actually. If we get down to the nitty-gritty, I'm kind of ashamed of myself. I know where the cynicism comes from. A place pretty deep and scarred, that often feels scabbed over, but sometimes surprises me with the raw emotion that comes from it.

Still. Even knowing it, doesn't make it okay.

The truth about adoption is this - neither side is easy.

One side involves having to make probably THE HARDEST decision of your life. A decision that involves a lot of selflessness, and maturity (often beyond your years), and heartbreak. A decision that involves giving someone a gift - one that more often than not, you wish you could keep.

The other side involves a lot of hoping, and praying, and waiting for your heart's desire. A lot of uncertainty. A lot of trying to remain detached...but, really, kind of stinking at it. A lot of knowing that someone may give you the most amazing of all possible gifts, only to decide later, after your heart has grabbed hold, that they cannot bear to part with that gift.

It's hard. It's reeeeeeally hard, in fact.

That said, when it happens - in God's perfect timing, adoption is an incredible thing. An amazing, life-changing, beautiful thing. A thing worth hoping for...worth waiting for...worth taking a chance on.

A blessing.

My job in this little journey is to pray and trust. And witness to a birthmother about God's love. Regardless of how bumpy the ride or how frustrating the process, that's what my response is to be. ... And I promise to try to be better at that.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've described it beautifully...
I am sure it takes great courage to walk this road. I'm proud of your willingness to and to not back away from what has the potential to cause pain.
Praying for the best for your family!
Sharon

Mark said...

A wonderful post...one of your best ever.
Mark

Jen Forbes said...

Ahh Kristy...
I second Mark's comment. You, my friend, are a treasure. You have an amazing ability to make me laugh and to make me cry. You hide nothing, nor do you kid yourself or others about what is inside of you. I love that about you. Thank you for sharing your wonderful self with all of us.
Lvoe you all the way to Aggieland and back!
We're praying for you and your precious family. Praise God for his wise and wonderful ways.
Lvoe,
Jen

Sturgmom said...

I've benn behind on my blog reading, so after catching up I don't think you shared anything except what was on your heart. isn't that what blogs are for?!?! I hope you will continue to feel that your blog is a place for you to be real even on the sucktacular days.

I pray that things work out for you and your expanding family! Adoption is SUCH a gorgeous picture of God's love for us.

Kristy said...

Good post. But the other was good, too. It was real. Don't worry about it!
And on a lighter note... when I was reading and scrolling down... the ad was a HUGE ad for Trojan condoms. And because I am 14 apparently, it made me giggle.
Hope your day is going good!

Anonymous said...

K:

Truly a totally insightful post. My heart goes out to you and Russ. Even if doesn't work out, remember: when one door closes, another one opens. You just have to keep trusting in God's plan, and keep your faith that He's already got it all worked out.

H

sarah p said...

Thanks for sharing your heart with us. We will continue to pray for you as you wait for the perfect little person to come into your family. We love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Kristy, everyone on the planet should read this....absolutely heartfelt and beautiful. Love, Mooms

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