Tonight I had the pleasure of viewing American Idol from a nice, warm bathtub full of bubbles. Why, you ask? Because my husband is a saint, and he "sensed" that if I didn't get a break from all things Sophie and neverending rain-like, my brain was going to spontaneously turn to goo and run out my ears. And by sensed, I mean when he walked in the door from work, a crazy woman greeted him with a demented smile and an "I.am.MENTAL!" declaration. (My squirrel of a hyper four year-old has been trapped. INside. For what feels like the past 39 days and nights. Not forty because God has promised that won't ever happen again. ...Right? I did read that part of the Bible right, right?)
Criminy it's raining hard right now.
So there I am, soaking my cares away - half listening to AI, half dreaming of a life in the sunny Bahamas, when I hear a horrific scream. A scream similar to the one Russ made that time he thought he'd been polarized, coming from the television. My eyes pop open. I bolt upright out of the water...and there stands Danny. Making a sound very much like the woman in the shower scene from Psycho.
I got a case of the giggles. Baaaaad giggles, you guys (there was snorting involved...naked snorting nonetheless), and I decide while toweling off that I probably need to re-watch everyone's performance off the DVR before deciding what I think about it. (Giggle.) A very pumped-up Danny has apparently come to the same conclusion after hearing the judges' critique of his performance. From the look on his face, I'm pretty sure he thought he ROCKED IT (fist-pump to the sky!) Um. As much as I love you, Danny Boy, you, too, might better rewind that DVR. (Tee hee. Snort.)
Re-watch complete. Let's get to business...
Adam opened the show with "Whole Lotta Love"...and a helluva lot of eyeliner, wowie! He looked deep into the camera and made The Ick Face over and over. Made me feel like I needed to get back in the tub and scrub. The heebie jeebies, peeps. Eee. After going back and forth week-to-week, I've finally decided how I feel about Adam and I just know y'all just can hardly wait to hear it. Drumroll, please. Adam has one of the most incredible voices I've heard. Incredible in that he can take a note, hold it for ten minutes, walk it up and down it's uppermost and lowermost octaves...and never once take a breath. Without question, he can sing. Effortlessly. But do I want to hear him do it for twelve songs on a CD, or heaven forbid, see him in concert making his wide variety of stick-his-tongue-out-and-yell Ick Faces? Probably not. I know there are Adam Lovers and Adam Haters out there, and guess I fall neatly in the middle. He interests me. I like to tune in to see what he'll do each week (much like I enjoy seeing what Sophie will do left alone with a can of Playdoh and an empty bellybutton). But it's highly unlikely I will ever buy a CD Adam puts out. The judges will. They are beside themselves, quivering with rapturous delight. Kara is screaming and making jabby motions at Adam (in what, I assume, is supposed to be a show of support - not insanity). Paula is near tears at the "whole lot of perfection" before her. Randy loved it. Simon loved it. Adam loves it. It's a big Lovefest, y'all.
P.S. The slicked back high-hair/leather studded jacket ensemble is NOT a good look for you, Kara. ...But it's real nice of you to draw the attention away from Paula and her most excellent flappy kite dresses for a week.
Allison is up with "Cry, Baby." Oh goodness, she's been to Adam's "amazing hair girl". Okay, so, hmm. Not sure what the judges have done to Allison - telling her she's void of personality and whatnot, but oh.my., she is making sure they don't think that now. Did she take a few hits of something prior to her conversation with Ryan? Seriously? I'm worried about her. She's being, like, way weird, dude. Way weird. Let's hope it doesn't carry over to her performance. Okay, so... So far so good. A bit screamy and repetitive...but I think maybe that's the song's fault. Cry, baby! Cry, baby! Cry, bay-beeeeeeee!!!!!!! Is Allison nervous? Kara is asking. Allison is definitely something tonight. Oh, poop, she's arguing with Simon again. Lippiness is not personality, dear Allison. Oh, wait, Simon likes Arguing Allison. (Say what?) But that's good...because she's stiiiiiill going! Holy heck, the commercial is having to cut her off. What the world??
Next up, Kris and Danny with "Renegade". The harmony. Oh my goodness gracious, it's just loverly (to borrow from my Poppy). They sound amazing together! Definitely "on blast". Record that right now, boys, I'll buy it!! Maybe sharpen up the solos a bit. The timing doesn't seem quite right, going back and forth. And it's kind of pitchy. Kris seems a bit uncomfortable - trying to "make rock movements". Clearly because he feels like he should (Slash is there, for Pete's sake!), not because it's necessarily "in him". He's wandering around the stage like he's kind of antsy about something. (Perhaps it's the whole Final Four thing? Mmm-maybe?) Danny's part of the back-and-forth is better. Not hugely so, like Simon has declared. But by a smidge. He seems a bit more comfortable right now. Actually, he seems a little ready to fight someone. Anybody else getting a Bring It, Sucka! vibe from Danny? Overall, the two were pretty equally good. Or bad. However you slice it.
Kris is singing "Come Together". Not much rest from his duet. I hope Simon hasn't gotten in his head. Okay. Even though typically I don't like the faster stuff that Kris sings as much as the slower stuff, I like this! The guy is good. He just is. And not because he's the Home Guy. And not because he makes me want to nibble on his lower lip. Because he's really talented. Playing instruments (plural) and singing consistently well week to week. And even though rock is clearly not his strongest genre (bummer of a "draw" this late in the game), he still managed to take a "rocky" song and make it his own. I think Kris is a smart guy. Smart with a strong, pure voice. ...Now the judges are beating him with a stick and he's looking a bit like a whipped puppy. "Eating ice", Simon? And if you decided that "nobody was going to top Adam" (right off the bat), what's the point of hearing anyone else? Perhaps you should just excuse yourself and your fancy-pants Evian(?) water from the platform. I mean, come ON, with your smirky face, is it really necessary to tell a person that kind of bunk, after you've just flogged them twice, no less? I think, perhaps, he gets it already.
Danny is rehearsing "Dream On" with Slash...and I'm about to inhale a piece of popcorn chicken into my lungs trying NOT TO GIGGLE. Focus. Swallow. Move popcorn chicken safely down the esophagus...into the stomach. Danny's starting out okay. Not bad at all. But I know what's coming, so oh my stinkin' heck, I have to hit fast-forward. Or not. Maybe I'll hit pause right...about...now, look down Danny's wide gaping throat to his kneecaps, and try to resist the urge to tell Ryan to please RUN! REMOVE THE TEN INCH SPIKE FROM HIS SPLEEN, HE'S DYING!!!!! I'm sorry, Danny, but that ending totally ruined it for me. I can't even tell you what he did prior to taking that "brave, brave risk". Yeah. I got nothing but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Snort, snort, snortity snort snort. I'm a mess again.
"The rock god" and "Rock goddess" will now close the show with "Slow Ride". They do a very, very good job, and the judges would like to now hand them their tickets to the finale. Excuse me, Adam apparently "just helped Allison" find her way into the finale.
Pardon me while I try to fight back a gag.
Don't get me wrong, I like Adam. I love Allison. But do you smell what I'm stepping in, peeps? I think perhaps it's the poop of a big, fat, hairy rat. The judges have an agenda, and they are pathetically bad at covering it up. Correction: one judge has an agenda and he is such an egomaniac, he's not even going to try to cover it up. And I like Simon! He's usually the only one not consumed by "dawgs", "bombs", or whoops of slobbery exuberance about who's wearing what and how beautiful they look. He forms coherent thoughts. He doesn't say he has "ONE WORD!" (holding up one finger for dramatic emphasis) for the contestant and then give 'em three. His criticism is usually right on.
But he always does this. He decides who he likes (I guess based on who he thinks can make him the biggest wad of sweaty cash) and he pushes it down our throats! And sometimes I think it's not even money-related; I think it's just based on his personal tastes. He did it with Reuben in Season One and he's never looked back. Pull the strings and watch America daaaance! The past two weeks he's ticked.me.off. I'm with Boo Mama, what's up with him not saying who was the better of the two between Adam and Allison, after totally tossing Kris under the bus after his duet with Danny? It's obvious he wants Adam and Allison to be the Final Two. And he thinks (nod, nod, look deep into the camera) "Danny will be safe". Which means, say it with me everyone, he'd like Kris to pack his bags tonight.
Best of the night: Kris and Danny's harmony. And Adam and Allison's duet was pretty darn nice, too. Wasn't overly impressed with anyone's single performance.
Going Home: Kris - if America obeys the Puppet Master.
Make-Me-Want-To-Kick-Him-In-The-Kahunas Award: Simon
So what say 'ye, Bloggy Buds? ...Other than, Kristy, calm your ranty self and have some more popcorn chicken.