Monday, April 14, 2008

What's Going On, America?

Just to let you know, America, you crushed my mother to the very depths of her always-smiley little soul when you voted Michael Johns off of American Idol last week.


I talked to her this morning and she's still in mourning.

"I just can't believe it! He was so good. And so cute. And (big sigh), now it's just not gonna be near as much fun to watch the show."

Poor woman. She sounded so sad.

America! You should be ashamed of yourself. What were you thinking? I mean, what's not to love about a hot Australian with a deep luscious voice? And messy hair (in that good way that makes you want to grab a handful).

Not that either of us can complain too much. I mean, after all, we didn't vote. Not once. We just expected you guys to get it right.

Watching Ryan announce the results, I had a very strong Daughtry flashback. The look on Michael Johns's face was pretty much identical to the one Chris Daughtry displayed two years ago. Kind of a cross between "Huh?" and "Well, crap."

When Ryan said, "Normally we don't kick anyone off during the 'Idol Gives Back' week." (And then paused for dramatic flair and said...) "But tonight we'll be saying goodbye to Michael Johns..." there was this collective gigantic intake of air from the audience. Followed by much booing and many oh-my-gosh-this-is-just-horrific-but-at-least-it's-not-me nervous looks between the other contestants.




And the worst thing was poor Michael Johns - just standing there stunned, like someone had run over his puppy. While he stood on the curb and watched.

Or told him he couldn't wear those snazzy little neckerchief doodads anymore.

Aw.

I almost shed a teeny tear.

So, America. It seems you are a tad confused. Perhaps your predisposition for all things INSANELY YOUNG and voice-cracky is clouding your judgement. So, in light of where I think we're headed, I thought I'd intervene and offer a little assistance on how you should vote hence forward. (In order of how they should be eliminated.)

Number 7.) Kristy Lee Cook. I know she's from the South. I know she sold her prize horse to get to the show. I know she's blond and bubbly, with a button nose that's cute as can be. But, really, since it is a "singing competition", it's time for her to go. She's just not versatile enough (and some nights she's downright BAD - "pitchy" is putting it mildly). The only time Simon de-grumpifies (when she's on stage) is when she sings something country. That's definitely her genre. I feel pretty certain someone Nashville-like will snatch her right up. She'll be singing and dancing in her red boots on CMT by the end of the year. Write it down.

Number 6.) Syesha Mercado. Not a bad voice at all. She can "definitely blow" (to borrow from Randy's eloquence). She's also drop-dead GORGEOUS. Great skin. Rockin' hair. Amazing figure. Perhaps she should jet on over to this show and hang out for awhile. Beyond that... I don't know. She seems a wee bit lacking in the Personality Department. Dare I say, even boring? (I can poke a finger at her personality, because, you know, she's drop dead gorgeous! Who needs a personality, or a record deal for that matter, when you're going to get calls out the wazoo from modeling agencies and Noxema advertisers.)

Number 5.) Jason Castro. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy. He's yummy. And if we were in a dorm room at A&M, listening to him strum the guitar and croon away, all would be more than well. But try as I might, I just can't see him making records. His voice doesn't seem suitable for the studio or concerts. And I can't really envision myself buying a CD where the only instrumental accompaniment is a ukulele. ...That said, Gig 'em, Aggies! The fact that he bleeds maroon is enough of a reason for me to be perfectly peachy if he wins the whole thing.

Number 4.) Brooke White. When she's at the piano, with just her voice (no band accompaniment), she's awesome. Her voice is unique - strong, with a hint of cool raspy. Kind of Carly Simon-esque. In that element, she's great. Otherwise, not so much. First of all, the poor girl (bless her sunshiny, perky little heart), needs to learn when to stop talking. Particularly during the time after she sings when the judges are trying to give her feedback. They're over there attempting to critique her performance and she's all: "I know. Oh, that's fine. Oh, I know. Oh, it's okay! Oh, good. Okay. Oh, I know." It's like BROOKE! Stop talking. Just put a piece of duct tape over your mouth and shush. Stand still and listen. Another problem is she is just plain awkward if any sort of movement is required of her at all when she's on stage. She makes even a sway look uncomfortable. I get embarrassed for her...in front of myself. It's pretty bad. As is the fact that she never seems to know where to sit during the results show after Ryan tells her she's "safe". Five times now, she's been safe. Five times now, the "safe spot" is in the exact same place. And five times now, she has wandered around the stage like a lost little sheep. Muttering to herself and going to the wrong spot. All of that said, you can't help but kind of like her sweet little nanny self.

Number 3.) David Archchuleta. He's cute. He's mannerly. He's as wholesome and all-American as family picnics and apple pie. You just want to go "grandma" on him and pinch his rosy cheeks! All of pre-pubescent America absolutely ADORES him (as evidenced by the deafening squeals and screams every time he comes out on stage). You'd think he was a long-lost Beetle from the reaction he gets from the girls. And he really can sing. (At least as long as it's a slow, mildly depressing song.) But something about him is just slightly "off" for me. I honestly don't know what it is, but I know I wouldn't buy his CD. And for me, that's the mark of who I think the winner should be.

Number 2.) Carly Smithson. I know she's been in the Bottom Three several times. I know she can't dress worth a poop. I know she makes "the angry face" every time she sings. But my goodness gracious, people, the girl can SING. Plus, I'm an eighties girl, who loves all things "Heart" and Big Hair Band-like. And her voice seems to be able to belt out Power Ballads like nobody's business. Strong and clear. And she's versatile. I loved her "Blackbird" rendition a few weeks ago (despite the explanation she gave to the judges afterwards about "rising above things" and "flying" and other assorted cheesepuff things). For all of these reasons, and because I dig her funny little Irish accent, she is my runner-up person.

Number 1.) David Cook. He is the one I'm always most interested in hearing perform. He's the one who would cause me to declare an immediate boycott if he was voted off. (Kind of like I said I was going to do when Daughtry was voted off.) His vocal range and creativity is neverending. His rendition of "Billy Jean" a few weeks ago was amazing! I didn't even recognize it until the third listening. Then finally I was like, hark!, Michael Jackson. The way he sang it had such a Pearl Jam-my vibe to it. That note that he held at the end that he kicked up an octave (right when I thought he was surely out of breath) - man, wicked impressive! Even though I thought his song this past week was weird (all mumbly and monotone), and even though I cringe when I think of him having to sing a song like "Do I Make You Proud" in the finale, I think he is the clear winner this season. Hands down. Without hesitation. And now that he's shed the frontal comb-over hairdo he'd been sportin', he's ready. He sounds and looks like a star. ...Although Simon will never pull for him to win because he is aloof and "pompous" (translation: "doesn't kiss up"). O-well. We'll see what happens. Either way, I'm buying his CD as soon as it comes out.

9 comments:

Lindsey said...

Very thorough discourse on AI... Very nice. You and Simon would get along.. you nailed it.

Kritter Krit said...

Pretty bad when you can dicuss Fluff TV for THAT long, huh? O-well. After Sophs goes to bed, my DVR and I have quite the date. Ooo la la! ;)

Val said...

I love that I just read a complete debriefing of each Idol contest. I thought it was so mean (but great TV) when Ryan said, "Last year we didn't eliminate anyone, but....). Poor Michael, he had the slightest look of hope on his face.

I'm with the screaming teens...I love David A.!

Melissa said...

WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE ARCHULETA? did you hit your head? or a better question, did SOPHIE hit your head? i must confess, i am an archuleta lover. here's my top seven:

7. Kristy Lee Cook. Get lost. Seriously. Can we say female Sanjaya anyone?

6. Jason Castro. Don't know why, I just don't like him. Go home per-lease.

5. David Cook. Yes, I'm aware this boy can sing. Yes, I'm aware the girls love him. But he's waaaay too arrogant for me.

4. Brooke White. Nothing really going on for me. But at the piano she's fabulous, she could sell an album like that.

3. Syesha Mercado. She might be a little boring, but she can SING. And she has the whole drop-dead gorgeous thing going.

2. Carly Smithson. Fabulous, with a great accent. Enough said.

1. David Archuleta. I love this little guy. Which is weird for me to say, as he's older than me, but only by three years, so I still call him a little boy. The girls love him, he can sing, and I think he'll be the winner.

Kritter Krit said...

Lindsey,

Thanks. Actually, I do tend to usually agree with Simon. I think his comments are pretty "on". He's just a tad grumpier than I am. ;)

Val,

Mom loves David A too. She wants the finale to be a "David vs. David" showdown. Hee.

Melissa,

Yes, in fact, Sophie did hit me in the head. With her overly full purse. Accidentally, of course. She was twirling and jumping, in typical Sophie-fashion. But I wasn't a David A Lover even before I got conked! ;)

Sanjaya! I forgot about good 'ole Sanjaya. One wouldn't think that was possible after the whole "ponyhawk" thing he did with his hair, huh?

Jason Castro. Seriously. You don't like him? Did YOU get hit in the head?? =) Have you gazed into those baby blues of his lately? ...Oh, yeah right, it's a singing competition. I keep forgetting.

I think you're right about David Archuleta. I think he'll win. And actually that'll be okay. He does have a good voice. I just don't typically enjoy him from a performance standpoint.

AND...

David Cook will get a record deal regardless. NOT winning will actually give him more freedom to do what he wants from a producing standpoint. The Idol winners are locked in to a pretty strict contract for that first year. So either way, he's set.

emily said...

I love that you just did an Idol run down on your blog! Travis and I sit on the couch every Tuesday at 8pm and do this exact same thing. I'm totally with you on David Archuletta being a little "off". I get the heebie jeebies when he gets up there and gets humble about his sappy ballads. Yes, he's got a great voice and my mom and grandma LOVE him, but I would not buy his CD. As for Brooke White, she drives me crazy. Can't stand the talking over the judges thing! My vote...I think David Cook could be the winner. He's great, just a little on the arrogant side.

By the way, I'm also still grieving the loss of Michael Johns...

Kritter Krit said...

Emily,

Hey, thanks! Glad you liked it.

As for David Cook, I can't decide if he really is arrogant, or if he's just not the "Ooo, ahh! I'm on American Idol!" type.

It was pretty interesting when Ryan asked him that one time:

"What do you think of Simon's criticism?"

And his response was...

"I don't."

Hee. That was kind of arrogant. But then, Simon is King of Arrogant. So I actually thought it was kind of funny.

The one thing that actually bugs me about David Cook is when he tries to pretend he's NOT arrogant. When he hangs his head and makes that "aw, shucks" face. Or when he squints his eyes and looks like he's trying to squeak out a tear as he mouths "thank you" to the audience. His version of "humble" is just a HOOT.

I want to say, "Dude. Just be arrogant." It suits you. =)

Anonymous said...

Wow! What right-on critique! Well, except for Brooke and David A. Brooke's voice just doesn't do it for me, but David A's is one of the best! Reminds me of Josh Grobin's. But, what you said about Brooke in all other respects was on target. She must learn to shut-up! Now, I've figured out why America won't take Michael John and Daughtry-types to the top. It's that little shiny gold band on the left hand; it spells doom. Sigh. Michael---I'll miss that gravelly voice. Love, Mooms

Kathy said...

Hi, I just wandered into your blog via Dooce...and you couldn't have said it better. America F-d up BIG TIME.

No I didn't vote either.

My personal fave. is Brooke though. Other than that I totally agree with your list. Get Kristy out of there...

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