Remember this guy, and his affinity for all things "dude-like". Well, today I'm in agreement with him. Sometimes the only thing you can say about a situation is...
Anybody ever been dilated? In the ocular region? (No hellish I-Went-From-A-One-To-A-Ten-In-Half-An-Hour! labor stories, please.)
Despite the fact that I worked for an ophthalmologist for five years when we lived in College Station, somehow I managed to avoid ever being in this state...
For good reason, I might add! However, in the ongoing quest to figure out what the hecky dern is up with these headaches I've been having, yesterday I added "complete eye exam" to the list of things that have been checked out on me, from a chrome-domus standpoint.
1.) Head and sinuses. Check.
2.) Teeth. Check.
3.) Eyes. Check.
And as it turns out, being dilated really isn't all that fun.
First they stick numbing drops in your eye. They numb your eyeballs. (That was my first clue that I wasn't going to enjoy being dilated. Apparently pupils aren't really all that fond of going from teeny and normal to PARTY ON, GARTH! in thirty seconds.)
Then immediately following the numbification, they put the dilation drops in. Fun-ky. I don't know if it was the whole numb-eye thing, or if it was the dilation drops (or perhaps the combination thereof), but the result was pretty strange. It kind of makes the upper part of your face feel puffy and bloated, like your eyebrows are trying to detach themselves from your marshmallow face to run free.
Then, after that, they shine the light of the blazing sun into your retina to check for "dimpling, edema, or detachment" (oh, my!). Ho-LEE crikies. Seriously. I've never seen a light this stinking bright. If I wasn't feeling blind enough from the dilating, after the light thing, I was blind. As in: not seeing the doctor man in front of me. It's funny. Anyone who has ever done the whole pen-light-in-the-eye thing to me has always remarked, "Wow! You really are fair skinned!" Hmm. It takes looking at my retina to see that? You mean I actually pulled off Jamaican, mon, prior to letting you look in my eyes? Somehow I doubt it...
If you check out okay after all that niftiness, they give you these really stylish paper sunglasses and point you out the door. "Have a nice day! Try not to mow anyone down with your mini-van!"
Turns out, driving isn't really the hard part. (Distance vision somehow remains fairly okay. It's the close-up stuff that's crazy blurry.) The hard part is attempting to not look like a confused, not-cool Stevie Wonder on the walk back through the mall to your vehicle. That's the hard part. You would think the super snazzy paper sunglasses would say, "I just left the optometrist's office." But judging from the odd glances I was getting, I think they said, "I'm a kook who should not be left unsupervised."
Or maybe I was just thinking everybody thought that. Since really I couldn't see squat, much less a particular expression on anyone's face.
At one point during the trek to the parking lot, I had to bend over to re-tie my shoe. Or, as it turned out...the air beside my shoe. Which, of course, set the giggles free. So there I am: a girl wearing paper glasses (over her normal glasses, mind you), squatting in the mall, tying the air beside her shoe, and laughing like a hyenna. Seriously. Wackadoo. I know people (as they were making a wide arch around me) were thinking, "Oh, yeah. That chick is hiiiiiiiiiiigh."
The other hard part about getting dilated is attempting to pull of Sane Parent to your three-year old when you get home.
The second I walked in the door, Sophie came up to me (with a very concerned look on her furrowed little face) and said, "Oh, no, Mama. You're not supposed to look like that. That's too weird for you."
And that was with the glasses on. When I took them off and showed her my eyes, she clapped her hand over her mouth and exclaimed, "Oh, Mama! That's HORRIBLE!!" (Except she pronounces it "hoi-yable", which makes me just fall out laughing every time.)
Thank you, child. I know. I'm a fright.
See, Sophs. Lesson learned. This right here is why you Just Say No to drugs.