Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I Walked Around The Mall Looking Like I'd Had Six Hits Of Acid

Remember this guy, and his affinity for all things "dude-like". Well, today I'm in agreement with him. Sometimes the only thing you can say about a situation is...

Whoa. DUDE.

******

Anybody ever been dilated? In the ocular region? (No hellish I-Went-From-A-One-To-A-Ten-In-Half-An-Hour! labor stories, please.)

Despite the fact that I worked for an ophthalmologist for five years when we lived in College Station, somehow I managed to avoid ever being in this state...



For good reason, I might add! However, in the ongoing quest to figure out what the hecky dern is up with these headaches I've been having, yesterday I added "complete eye exam" to the list of things that have been checked out on me, from a chrome-domus standpoint.

1.) Head and sinuses. Check.

2.) Teeth. Check.

3.) Eyes. Check.

And as it turns out, being dilated really isn't all that fun.

First they stick numbing drops in your eye. They numb your eyeballs. (That was my first clue that I wasn't going to enjoy being dilated. Apparently pupils aren't really all that fond of going from teeny and normal to PARTY ON, GARTH! in thirty seconds.)

Then immediately following the numbification, they put the dilation drops in. Fun-ky. I don't know if it was the whole numb-eye thing, or if it was the dilation drops (or perhaps the combination thereof), but the result was pretty strange. It kind of makes the upper part of your face feel puffy and bloated, like your eyebrows are trying to detach themselves from your marshmallow face to run free.

Then, after that, they shine the light of the blazing sun into your retina to check for "dimpling, edema, or detachment" (oh, my!). Ho-LEE crikies. Seriously. I've never seen a light this stinking bright. If I wasn't feeling blind enough from the dilating, after the light thing, I was blind. As in: not seeing the doctor man in front of me. It's funny. Anyone who has ever done the whole pen-light-in-the-eye thing to me has always remarked, "Wow! You really are fair skinned!" Hmm. It takes looking at my retina to see that? You mean I actually pulled off Jamaican, mon, prior to letting you look in my eyes?  Somehow I doubt it...

If you check out okay after all that niftiness, they give you these really stylish paper sunglasses and point you out the door. "Have a nice day! Try not to mow anyone down with your mini-van!"

Turns out, driving isn't really the hard part. (Distance vision somehow remains fairly okay. It's the close-up stuff that's crazy blurry.) The hard part is attempting to not look like a confused, not-cool Stevie Wonder on the walk back through the mall to your vehicle. That's the hard part. You would think the super snazzy paper sunglasses would say, "I just left the optometrist's office." But judging from the odd glances I was getting, I think they said, "I'm a kook who should not be left unsupervised."

Or maybe I was just thinking everybody thought that. Since really I couldn't see squat, much less a particular expression on anyone's face.

At one point during the trek to the parking lot, I had to bend over to re-tie my shoe. Or, as it turned out...the air beside my shoe. Which, of course, set the giggles free. So there I am: a girl wearing paper glasses (over her normal glasses, mind you), squatting in the mall, tying the air beside her shoe, and laughing like a hyenna. Seriously. Wackadoo. I know people (as they were making a wide arch around me) were thinking, "Oh, yeah. That chick is hiiiiiiiiiiigh."

The other hard part about getting dilated is attempting to pull of Sane Parent to your three-year old when you get home.

The second I walked in the door, Sophie came up to me (with a very concerned look on her furrowed little face) and said, "Oh, no, Mama. You're not supposed to look like that. That's too weird for you."
And that was with the glasses on. When I took them off and showed her my eyes, she clapped her hand over her mouth and exclaimed, "Oh, Mama! That's HORRIBLE!!" (Except she pronounces it "hoi-yable", which makes me just fall out laughing every time.)

Thank you, child. I know. I'm a fright.

See, Sophs. Lesson learned. This right here is why you Just Say No to drugs.

7 comments:

Lisa Joy said...

Oh Kristy that was so funny! I laughed so hard Casper Cat who had been sleeping soundly on my lap, gave me a sleepy, "What the &&^@@#$#% is wrong with you?" as only a cat can.
Bless your heart, if I wasn't all the way in snowy PA I would have gladly been your taxi. BTW, I must also tell you my 14 yo daughter has taken to reading your blog too and thinks you're the funniest, hippest Mom ever. She almost peed her pants while reading "Plumb he most certainly did not". teehee Dude!
K, super long comment...time to make cheesesteaks for supper. Lisa

Lisa Joy said...

Hi. I'm Lisa Joy's 14 year old daughter (you know, the one who almost peed her pants after reading your plumbing blog?) I must say WOW. What were they even THINKING sending that guy over to your house?

I have glasses too (though I'm prone to forgetting to wear those or my contacts every day. so i squint). I've never had my pupils dialated though. I love your blogs! They're hilarious!

Kristy said...

Lisa Joy,

I love the "What the %#@*!" look from the cat. I can picture it. Cats are a hoot. They're so prissy and opinionated. How dare you wake 'ole Casper from his nap. Thanks for the taxi offer. I had my best friend on standby, ready to cart my blurry self home if I didn't think I could make it.

Daughter of Lisa Joy, =)

I don't know WHAT they were thinking sending Fetus Plummer over. That guy was most definitely NOT qualified to be taking service calls...of any kind. Sheesh. I almost had to gut him in my kitchen.

Glad you like the blog. Welcome!

sarah p said...

Can I just say that my eyes were watering for a good 3/4 of your blog post? I HATE HATE HATE getting my eyes dilated. But, the mental image of you squatting down wearing those glasses and tying THE AIR next to your shoe is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

I would give money to have been there to see Sophie's reaction to you walking in the door.

Not quite the Bradys said...

Oh, I'm so glad I read that! Endorphins to face another day tomorrow! I've been dilated in the occular region before and I just want to say, you described it with amazing accuity. Except, I missed out on the (not) tying of my shoe. Sort of sad about that. LOL!

Val said...

Man I hear that! Eye dilation = no fun. However, I was told once that bigger pupils are more attractive (hence the dim lighting in romantic restaurants), so I kept asking Josh, "Do you like it? Am I prettier?" =)

Seriously, I'm laughing so hard picturing you with your "special" sunglasses, tying your shoe, and giggling about it when you missed.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Kristy! I'm sitting here almost peeing my pants reading about your eye dilation experience. I could not have described it any better myself! And if you think YOU looked funny, you should see a toddler walking around after their eyes are dilated! I LMBO everytime Jackson has his done!

Have a great night! Must go wipe the mascara that is running down my face from laughing!

Take Care,
Nancy

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