But as they say - 'Tis the season. The time of year when I'm very aware of and thankful for all I have - the people in my life, as well as the memories I hold dear. And as happens so often, but especially at Christmastime, my thoughts drift back to Seth.
This afternoon I decided to put together this little picture montage. And just so you know: Having not the foggiest clue what I was doing, it's not the greatest display of technological genius. I couldn't figure out how to include the video clip I wanted to add. I couldn't get just the song to play, without the video constantly present and playing in the corner. Both of which point clearly to the fact that: Steven Spielberg, I most definitely am NOT.
The song is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I heard it a few months after we received the decision from the Supreme Court - June 17, 2004 (two weeks after Seth's first birthday). And despite the outpouring of emotion it invoked, it helped. For some unexplainable reason, it comforted me, when very little else could. At a time when God felt so excrutiatingly far away, I would hear this song and feel for a moment that I could breathe again. The grief and the rage and confusion would pause, and I would feel a sense of peace. A calm that, in light of everything, most definitely surpassed my understanding. In that moment, God would reveal his grace and love to me in the only manner I would accept.
Around the time I first heard this song, I wrote this in my journal:
"I’ve thought about this many times since it all began: If we had known what lay ahead, would we still have picked the same path? If we had known the pain that was in front of us, would we have said no to Isa when she came to us and shyly asked us to be her baby’s parents.
If I had known that there would be days that I would wake up surprised to find that I was still breathing, shocked that the pain from the grief hadn’t killed me in the night, would I still have said yes to Seth? Wanting Seth was the easy part. Waiting for Seth proved to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 34 years of life.
I’ve asked myself many times over this past year, "Would I do it again?" There’s a big chance that given the opportunity to see what God knew, we would have said no. Absolutely not. We most certainly would have walked (run!) away.
Thank goodness God, in his infinite wisdom, only reveals to us what He wants us to see, and never gives us more than what we can endure at that moment. Because even when the loss seems more than I can stand, when I feel like I’ll surely crack the walls if I cry any harder, I know our time with Seth was for a reason. Our role in his little life was for a purpose. God chose us to be his parents, if only for a brief while.
…And for that, I am so very grateful.