Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Remembering

Up 'til now I've been hesistant to post a picture of Seth on the blog. I've finally reached the point where it's easier to talk about him. Those of you who have bravely inquired about him recently have probably noticed that I don't immediately dissolve in a puddle of goo at the mere mention of his name. But for whatever reason, I've held off posting any photos (of any of us) taken during that crazy year.

But as they say - 'Tis the season. The time of year when I'm very aware of and thankful for all I have - the people in my life, as well as the memories I hold dear. And as happens so often, but especially at Christmastime, my thoughts drift back to Seth.

This afternoon I decided to put together this little picture montage. And just so you know: Having not the foggiest clue what I was doing, it's not the greatest display of technological genius. I couldn't figure out how to include the video clip I wanted to add. I couldn't get just the song to play, without the video constantly present and playing in the corner. Both of which point clearly to the fact that: Steven Spielberg, I most definitely am NOT.

The song is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I heard it a few months after we received the decision from the Supreme Court - June 17, 2004 (two weeks after Seth's first birthday). And despite the outpouring of emotion it invoked, it helped. For some unexplainable reason, it comforted me, when very little else could. At a time when God felt so excrutiatingly far away, I would hear this song and feel for a moment that I could breathe again. The grief and the rage and confusion would pause, and I would feel a sense of peace. A calm that, in light of everything, most definitely surpassed my understanding. In that moment, God would reveal his grace and love to me in the only manner I would accept.

Around the time I first heard this song, I wrote this in my journal:

******

"I’ve thought about this many times since it all began: If we had known what lay ahead, would we still have picked the same path? If we had known the pain that was in front of us, would we have said no to Isa when she came to us and shyly asked us to be her baby’s parents.

If I had known that there would be days that I would wake up surprised to find that I was still breathing, shocked that the pain from the grief hadn’t killed me in the night, would I still have said yes to Seth? Wanting Seth was the easy part. Waiting for Seth proved to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 34 years of life.

I’ve asked myself many times over this past year, "Would I do it again?" There’s a big chance that given the opportunity to see what God knew, we would have said no. Absolutely not. We most certainly would have walked (run!) away.

Thank goodness God, in his infinite wisdom, only reveals to us what He wants us to see, and never gives us more than what we can endure at that moment. Because even when the loss seems more than I can stand, when I feel like I’ll surely crack the walls if I cry any harder, I know our time with Seth was for a reason. Our role in his little life was for a purpose. God chose us to be his parents, if only for a brief while.

…And for that, I am so very grateful.

******



20 comments:

Anonymous said...

we love you guys!

the pictures are beautiful...thank you for sharing.

sarah p

Bob said...

Kristy,
Thanks for those. Although, not knowing or seeing much with Seth, it was very hard for me to watch without tearing up (okay, I did tear up). Thanks for sharing.

Kristen said...

Thank you for sharing, I do believe that time is healing, but memories are powerful and should always be treasured.

Kristy said...

Sarah,

You guys, your friendship and your constant prayers, are a few of the big reasons we made it through.

Rob,

You're welcome. Sorry about the tears. That's no way to start the day, huh? =)

Kristen,

Yes. Time does help. It doesn't erase, but it helps to ease the shock of the pain. And you're right about memories. That's one thing we have to keep. The moments with him will always be ours. I'm thankful for that.

******
P.S I added an ending to the slideshow since you guys viewed it.

Russ said...

Sweets,

I wish I could just tear up (like Rob) rather than wish there was another lock on the door to my office so that I don't embarass myself. The Seth "stuff" is always close to the surface for me no matter how long it has been.

Love,
Russ

Kristy said...

Russ,

New Rule: All posts will be viewed at home, where there is a locking door and lots 'o Kleenexes.

Amy said...

Kristy, this is beautiful! Tears are FLOWING! That song always makes me weepy......love it.
Love all the beautiful pictures...thanks for sharing these precious memories!

Val said...

Wow. I don't know what to say. I was with Sarah when she found out the court ruling, and I remember feeling sad for you. But 1) now that I have kids of my own and 2) now that I "know" you through your blog, it's truly heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing the beautiful pictures! I'm praying for your continual healing.

I had to laugh because through my tears, I looked to the right of the slideshow and saw Sophie's huge laugh, full of personality. It "turned my frown upside-down." =)

Anonymous said...

Cheech and Russ,
I too still have trouble with the memories if I ask "why?", but I am persuaded that our gracious Heavenly Father had a purpose in our experience that He will someday reveal to us. I love you all very much. Faf

Isaiah 55:8-12 8 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. 9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. 10 "For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth, And making it bear and sprout, And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; 11 So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Kristie said...

It doesnt take much to make a pregnant girl cry, but that had me bawling!!!! I cannot even imagine what you guys went through.

Kristy said...

Amy,

Thanks! I know. That song - it's a killer. It can get even the toughest of Toughies going. But mingled in with the sadness is such hope. I guess that's why it helped.

Val,

Oh man, I didn't know you were with Sarah when we received the SC decision. Ugh. I know that was hard on her too. They're family. From day one, they went through the trenches with us. That day. Man. It was a baaaaaad day (such an understatement). And I know what you mean - when you have kids, you see everything through the perspective of a life with and love for them. So when you hear of something horrible happening to someone else or their kids, you feel it so much deeper than before you knew that crazy love personally. ...And I know what you mean about looking over and seeing that picture of Sophie, cackling her little noggin' off. I did the same thing. I was about to squall and I saw her and just had to laugh! That's one of the MANY reasons God gave her to us, exactly WHEN He gave her to us.

Faf,

I know it's hard on you guys too. And I really don't get bogged down in "why" anymore. Sometimes I'm just more sad when reflecting on the memories than other times. But I know God had a purpose for us in Seth's life. It often seems like an insignificant one. But I know nothing God does is insignificant. Like you said, one day we'll know His reasons. We love you too.

Kristie,

No way! I didn't know you were pregnant. Congratulations!! That's great! Man...that WAS a cruel thing to put a hormonal lady through! Do what Val did and look at some Sophie pictures. She'll have you hee-hawing again. =)

Travis said...

You may say you're no Spielberg, but that was a very, very touching video and post, Kristy. Thank you for sharing.

Bob said...

Kristy,
Okay, you got Wendy in tears now (at work).

By the way, did you have Seth for 54 weeks? Is that right?

DePriest Family said...

Thanks for dehydrating me. I'll be sure that Carol drinks some water before I let her pregnant self watch that.

Thanks for ending it with pictures of Sophie. I needed a laugh at the end. I'm just glad Carol and Ella weren't with me.

Adam

Kristy said...

Travis,

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Rob,

Oh, no! Not Wendy - at work! That's never good. (Russ can attest to that. During that year, he had to lock himself in his office with the door bolted, many, MANY times.)

And yes, 54 weeks. Two weeks after his first birthday was when we received the decision from the Supreme Court.

Adam,

Oh man, buddy, sorry!! I know it's especially hard for you guys since you had such a special relationship with Seth. You two took such great care of him those first few weeks. We'll always appreciate all you did.

And yes, hydrate the Little Mama first. Good plan!! Hug Carol and Ella for us. We can't wait to see you guys!!

Shayna said...

Kristy, that really is a lovely slideshow and a throat-catchingly appropriate song. Thank you for sharing your feelings and memories.

((hug))

Anonymous said...

Wow.... I was referred to your blog by a friend of mine who's son Aiden suffers from reflux (along with the rest of the family) I think it comforts her to see the light cometh. Sophie is ADORABLE ! What a pistol, and you, you should write a book, seriously.. your prose in writing is a gift... I also can only assume what went on with your son, Seth. And for that I am sorry for you all. My neighbors just adopted a little girl from Orenburg, Russia. I look at her and how tiny she is for 14 months old. She never had milk, juice or formula only jelly in water and broth soaked bread to eat. They brough her home just after Thanksgiving this year and all I could think about was that beautiful girl growing up in that orphanage. It leaves me to wonder why in this country you can be the biggest creep of a foster parent (at least here in Detroit, MI) but they make it so difficult to adopt these children into your home? Laws need to be changed here in many, many ways. So more children have permanent homes with loving parents such as yourselves. Then we would not feel forced to pull out home equity to travel to other countries and adopt there.. I just don't know. Geez, off my soap box. But from a stranger.... keep up your good work and Blessings to you in the New Year, you are helping more people than I think you know !

Anonymous said...

I read the anonymous comment from Aiden's mom. There was a sentence at the end that I know is true: "You are helping more people than I think you know."
I immediately thought of II Cor. 1: 3&4: "Blessed be the God and FAther of our Lord JEsus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our afflictions so that we amy be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." I love you, Mooms

Kristy said...

Anonymous,

Thanks so much for the comment, and for the kind words.

Mom,

Great verse. I love you, too.

Kristy said...

Shayna,

It was great to see you! We really need to start IM'ing again. I miss our chats.

Hugs to you too, buddy. =)

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