Monday, October 1, 2007

Announcing His Presence With Authority

Remember the last time I tapped into my girly side?


I had another moment yesterday when I discovered this:

Those who know me know I'm not really a girly girl when it comes to bugs. Normally they don't bother me. Normally I do my own extermination tasks - squashing bugs with a shoe, picking them up with some toilet paper, and flushing them away to the Buggie-Pie-In-The-Sky all on my own. However, something is going on with the arachnids around these parts. "Normal" does not apply to them. It seems they are eating their Wheaties and taking their Centrum.

Lately, we've noticed a surplus of multi-legged creatures. Everywhere. Outside the house. Inside the house. Each bigger and hairier than its previous buddy. Maybe my memory's just failing me, but I don't recall spiders being this friggin' large when we were last residents of this fine state.

I could have put a saddle on this dude and rode it away. I mean, seriously, does it have a face?

Sophie and I were at the table in the breakfast nook when we spotted it, just sitting there looking back at us. Sophie put her hand over her mouth in "eegads!" fashion and declared it "totally HUGE!".

When I tip-toed outside to look at it, it put aside the gnat it was wrapping up in its web and looked over at me, like "Ooo. Move over bacon. Here comes something meatier!" Then, I'm crappin' you not, it made a noise - an actual audible sound, like a scream.  Or maybe that was me.

That's when I put on quite the display of Estrogen Fabulousness and ran shrieking, yelping, and high-stepping inside, ordering Russell to come KILL IT. NOW! Normally, this is not the policy I live by regarding six-legged creatures. I have a strict You-Stay-Outside, You-Get-To-Live Rule. But this Big Daddy was right outside the patio door, and I just couldn't stand the thought of him sneaking inside for a visit. I mean, can you imagine if that thing got inside the house and crawled up on my pillow for a goodnight kiss? (Shiver.) There wouldn't be enough Inderal in the world to prevent that cardiac moment.

After several whacks with the broom (Spidey didn't go down easy!), Russ declared it "mulch". Which I think means its carcass is now somewhere out there on the lawn, splayed out pitifully for all its spider buddies to see. "Come. See what they did to me." Yep. I'm pretty sure talk of our little murder is gonna get out. The big beefy brothers and pumped-up friends of this one will probably form a posse and attack in the night.

I'm calling Orkin.


P.S Russ just informed me that the thing I thought was a "face" is actually a butt. Niiiice. ...And actually even scarier. What was that thing eating that required an exit that large??


sarah p said...

Ew. I'm with you. If it stays outside within "gawking distance", I'm ok - but the thought of those suckers making it into the house is unbearable. Glad Russ was still around to commit spider murder.

Anonymous said...

Sophie's face said it all! Wowie! I don't htink I've ever seen such a large spider (excluding that tarantula that was on our road). Funny that you had an experience with a spider. Last night I was talking to Lisa when she made an awful noise. She had almost stepped on a very large spider, and she was barefoot! Fortunately, Zach came home about that time and saved the day! Thank goodness for husbands. Love, Mooms

Kristy said...

Oh yeah, the tarantula! The one that made me jump up on poor Faf's neck when we were walking down the road that night.

THAT THING was huge. His body was the size of a nectarine. I still can perfectly visualize that hairy freak of a thing. Eeee.

You know the sad thing about being a husband? Even if you too are scared to death of the humongous creature in front of you, you have to ACT calm and tend bravely to the squashing duties outlined in the Manly Contract.

Man, that would stink.

Val said...

Nah-UH! Sophie's face is verbalizing my thoughts, for sure. That's terrible. Definately not the "Charlotte" that Mackenzie's in love with.

Anonymous said...

Dear Cheech,
I don't know what you're complaining about. Those spiders are just barely up to eating size. Just plop them in some hot grease and have them deep fried or in some boiling water and eat them like lobsters. They're nice dipped in a tangy shrimp sauce or covered in chocolate. Ummmm Yummy.

Kristy said...

If you were Poppy, Faf, I wouldn't know if you were kidding or not.


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